By Barbara Zuschnig and Beatrix Roidinger
Fantasies can enrich sex
Fantasies are beautiful. They are journeys within our mind and are exciting. Creativity enriches our sexuality. Initiates stories. Creates images and expands our erotic language and thus our erotic potential. This blogpost shall encourage you to express your feelings and desires in a creative way. Maybe you will write stories or take pictures. Possibly a sculpture will emerge, or you’ll paint, make music or even do a performance.
From unequivocalness to ambiguity
Being able to talk about fantasies often requires some patience. Fantasies do not lie in our fully conscious minds. Experiencing a fantasy-journey is easier when we are encouraged by people who inspire and invite us to let our thoughts run wild. What will you discover, which erotic idea are you en route to?
Fantasies produce erotic suspense…
…through the inclusion of ideas into an erotic script. You can assign yourself a role in the imagined scene, or act as a viewer. The people involved can be familiar, strangers or even faceless. The images may feed on things you have seen, read, remembered, heard, experienced, or they can just be made up of thoughts. Perhaps the choreography of the scene mixes content from different sources; a real childhood experience might be crossed over with a picture from a porno and cast with your lover and your best friend as performers at the same time.
What´s your turn on?
The functions of fantasies can vary and differ from person to person. Sometimes a certain person can bring a range of fantasies to life because they have various intentions or feelings depending on the situation. In fantasies, we can change the balance of power, take on roles, try things risk-free and ignore or overcome taboos.
There is one thing that almost all fantasies have in common: they create or increase arousal, be it during masturbation or while having sex. Fantasies cast a spotlight on how we really tick erotically, sensually and emotionally. They also reveal where our development potential and solutions for possible sexual conflicts lie.
The turn-ons of people are as diverse and different as the respective sexual plots. Some of us have a whole repertoire of fantasies right away and are able to turn each of them on and off as they please, play them back and forth, simultaneously or alternately, or freeze them as individual stills.
Others have one certain fantasy that has not changed over the years, perhaps even remained the same since adolescence. However, it is always the one fantasizing who determines the dramatic composition – from timing, atmosphere and frequency to repetition and, of course, plot and content, along with actors and roles.
Where does the substance for sexual fantasies come from?
The reasons why a certain situation arouses us sexually depends on our sensory and emotional experiences and the meaning we attach to them. If you ask people what arouses them, most will describe inner pictures and scenarios that they do not experience in real life. It is rarely the case that we fantasize about the well-known “everyday sex”. Rather, the stories deal with overcoming an obstacle and the experiencing the forbidden.
You can indulge in longing for a person to whom you have a physical, emotional or geographical distance. The uncertainty, hope and the unknown increase excitement. That what you don’t have gains importance and is symbolically more significant. Another obstacle is fantasizing about something that is forbidden, both socially and societally. Even at the relationship level where you risk breaking values and norms. Like for example having sex with your boss or your partner’s best friend. “Classics” are also the subjects of power and powerlessness. Many fantasies are about status (injuries), humiliation, pain, domination and submission.
Even the unknown and strange provides material: it may be a new sexual practice, a role that you have never played before, a different cultural background, a person that you do not know well, etc. Often, it’s also about ambivalence and overcoming it. In your fantasy, you may safely hesitate – again and again. You can try and then back down. Balancing at the thin line between wanting and not-wanting leads to suspense which in turn leads to arousal.
From trauma to triumph
Trauma to triumph is about giving things that once tormented you a new meaning. Overcoming the problem is the erotic kick. Excitement often arises from the oscillation between anticipated danger and overcoming it. For example, a man who considers himself ugly, impotent and old can fantasize about five women who have an insatiable desire for him, can’t control themselves and seduce him at once. Numerous possibilities present themselves in a fantasy. You either take on an active or a passive role. The tension between fear and pleasure is where the erotic lies.
Fantasizing is lustful and creative
Fantasizing can be simply beautiful. It can stand for itself. At first, fantasies are journeys in our mind. To play with them, we can also get them out of our heads and into reality. By doing and talking, new stories emerge which can be both surprising and exciting.
An essential element for eroticizing a situation, for yourself and your partner is talking. Words and stories are catalysts for suspense. Telling each other your fantasies and developing your own way of talking can be very stimulating and exciting. Essentially, it’ s about relinquishing control over what may and what may not be said. Even censorship, which we all practice, is set aside. Close your eyes and start by whispering in your partner’s ear. You will see, it works.
In the realm of the senses
Role-play games are an effective way to activate your fantasy. How’s about a visit to the Kingdom of the Senses? Here, as in any royal household, you’ll find the king, queen, servants, jesters, cooks, maids, servants, stable boys, nobles and the master of ceremonies.
Every role has certain characteristics, powers and assignments. When you slip into a given role, you leave, for the whole duration of the game, your identity behind. You are free to pick a role that you would never play in real life. Dominant people may slip into the role of the servant, women can assume a man’s role and vice versa, and shy people can become a king or a queen.
The new experiences that arise with role-play are felt on all sensory levels. Do I feel lust while massaging the feet of the queen at her behest? Or when combing her hair? Which emotions arise? Can I totally give in to the situation? Do I consider the role of a servant sensual? What would it be like for me to wish for something as a baroness?
Ask yourself: Have I ever had wishes and if yes what are they? Am I ashamed of them or do not wish to impose them on anyone? How do I deal with my boundaries getting crossed? When certain actions trigger emotions that I cannot control?
“Getting out of the comfort zone, venturing to the limits, experimenting and being curious. This is what makes encounters and our work as sex counselors so exciting. Festivals are the best setting for us. We are happy to be part of the Sexolution festival team. There, together with the other participants we will dive into a special form of intensity and diversity.”
Image: Pop E. Popp (Creative Commons 3.0 License)